cosmic idiot

enroute. destination: hermitdom

2012-01-08T23:59:00.004+08:00

A Comprehensive List of Things I am Jealous about:

1. People who never had to worry about money

2. i.e. their parents are endlessly wealthy

3. and hence have private pools

4. People who look effortlessly gorgeous

5. People who are photogenic

6. People who are both

7. People that seem well put together: brains, looks, charisma, personality, money

8. Friendships of friends (that is not my friendship with them)

9. Anyone currently studying overseas

10. Anyone that has already received their A levels results and they are stellar

11. Anyone who seem any step closer to the realisation of their dreams than I am

12. People that take photographs conscientiously on a regular basis**

13. People currently employed and loving their job

14. Anyone who knows exactly what they want out of life

15. People who are confident that they're going to excel for As

16. Country kids who are close to nature

17. People who strongly believe in their religion and its explanation of the world

18. People who get their zi pai/solo shots liked on facebook

19. Smart, scholarship worthy people

20. Tall people

21. People living in countries that are larger than 704 sq km (yes i am looking at you, SG)

22. People with Rockband at home

23. People who have drinks bought for them at a bar

24. People who have lots and lots and lots of friends outside of school

25. Anyone who does not have 25 things to be insecure about

** Because:

1. They always look like they're having fun

2. They can remember their lives better

3. They make everything look chio

4. I am terminally unable to do that despite 1 and 2 because:

i) my camera skills are limited to (literally) a point and shoot

ii) i see food and i eat it. not take its picture.

iii) i like to soak in the moment instead of recording it with a picture.

iv) i regret it when i cant remember how shit looks like but the cycle of iii) and iv) repeats

v) my photos disappear into a black hole due to my laziness to upload anything

if you fulfill more than 5 of the above criteria, sorry i can't be friends with you anymore. just kidding. you probably do! ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the art of bringing a new low to Pathetic.

sigh

2012-01-07T00:17:00.003+08:00

2012:

am starting to feel as if every thought, every feeling and every connection is not personal but universal. rather than feeling a comforting empathy with the human condition, i just feel kind of... typical. i am also disappointed and slightly perturbed at how my choices are increasingly pragmatic and conventional. i will start believing that the best things in life are free when someone gifts me rockband for wii. See! See! what a conventional desire and materialistic thing to say.

ugh.

no more reflecting and talking. Life, I'm ready for my adventure!

turning saints into the sea

2011-12-30T23:27:00.003+08:00

is it a bit late for me to finally realise that everyone has their own life to lead? now that school's out for good, i realise how unlikely it is that i will ever see someone i know randomly in the corridors again and stop for a chat. to meet people these days, chat for 5 minutes, you need to check your schedules and undergo tentative negotiation, eventually fixing a date time and place. and that somehow makes me feel all the more lonelier. i miss those days when everyone was within reach. circumstances bring people closer and the shared terror that was school is over.

life is taking all of us in different directions and ten years down the road, i wonder if i can still put names to the faces i love dearly now. how long will it be before the sidestep whisper "i used to know him from high school" begins? before the "catch up soon" that never materialises? when the easy natural friendships turn into awkward socialisation with almost-strangers? it is inevitable. time does that to people. maybe because i didnt keep any of my friends in primary school, even the one i thought would be there to be my baby's godmother, i have little faith in "friends forever" and have no doubt about the ruthlessness of time.

it has occurred to me occasionally but i guess now i'm really feeling it. feeling the whole everyone has their own places to be and dreams to pursue. the lack of constants in my life, friends and dare i say school, makes everyday seem all the more daunting. i suppose i should look upon it as an opportunity, the day is how i make it to be! i could marvel vs capcom my brains out if i want to! lie in bed all day! volunteer at a homeless shelter! help old people cross the street! make my first million from a dollar! but i miss the constants that are my friends.

is this what being an adult is like? a constant haunting nostalgia for what you had and not treasured?

another part of adult life that i abhor: my dead end minimal wage job. telemarketing in a grey office. ringing up middle aged people and promoting insurance. going through the spiel over and over again. IF they don't hang up first.

for the record ive not been totally miserable. ive actually been rather happy most of the time. just that you know how it gets. unhappy = blog. happy = dont blog. yep.

2011-11-19T23:39:00.005+08:00

dear world,

guess what! i have decided that i will get twitter after As. just so that i can stalk my fave celebs (who somehow all have twitter, is the rock i live under really that all consuming). they are currently:

ian somerhalder

paul wesley

candice accola

nina dobrev

and frantically direct tweet them (is that what it's called? i am clueless) until they notice me.

yes i've been watching too much vampire diaries, can you tell?

one of yijin's few successful attempts at being funny with regards to me wanting to join twitter:

"until this moment my life had still made some sense. now it is making no sense at all"

"ok so u wan to watch vampire dairies on twitter?or did they climb out of the tv set and force u

to start an account?"

wowzer! progress my friend. soon you will be as funny as i am.

storm clouds with a chance of mild sun

2011-11-14T16:27:00.003+08:00

and that, describes my feelings towards A levels. as well as the current weather. imposing emotions onto your environment? sure, good bye wide sargasso sea, you are just not missed, after that bytchass of a paper. laugh, cambridge, laugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

as if math wasn't enough entertainment for you people. rrrrrrrr.

anyway, the exams end next tuesday and i am just glad. anyway for those of you who aren't updated on my day to day, i'm retaking the SATs, so crossing my fingers for much better scores. that also means continuing to study after As and writing admission essays = b-o-r-i-n-g. i wish i could know my A level results so that i will know if going to all this trouble is really... necessary, or have the alphabets that bear Boring, Catastrophe and Doomsday spoiled my lustful plans.

am really just trying not to contemplate the possible realities of things. just so i don't freak out and die. yup. or drown or get struck by lightning, it's been raining so much lately. i need wellingtons. shh, no questions.

but all the same... looking forward to plans i have post As which include (but are not limited to) prom, pilates, (possibly) bintan, bali, hong kong, home, windsurfing lessons, weilin time (see what i did there?)

ASK ME OUT, PEOPLE. XXXXXXOOOOOOO. after As, i mean

ok. off to try and study.

(its downright thundering now and storming now.................. YUP.)

(parentheses)

2011-11-11T16:46:00.002+08:00

so uh... forget shoes, food, clothes, tv and all the peripherals of life

this is what i really want:

http://gls.nyu.edu/page/home

2011-11-08T16:01:00.002+08:00

i love studying for gp, it lets me read anything under the guise of gaining perspective.i love the moments of randomly remembering factoids that appear to be mildly useful, which i read off some random copy of TIME/The Economist/website/Cleo and scuttling around the house looking for the article. it makes me feel..... professional. (ok maybe not for cleo)

never mind that i probably cannot remember half the things that i compile and the examples i use during gp are usually off the top of my head and haphazardly elaborated upon.

back to loving studying for gp- it also allows me to blog on the pretext of practicing my written English.

i am abnormally cheery although i have a crick in my neck and We (the royal We) have officially run head first into the A levels. The A Levels. Okkkkkk, whatever. no, not really. the other day i was thinking about my options and as much i would like to illustrate that diagrammatically on a beautiful tree diagram- i just don't know how to ok. but basically it looks like this:

Possible Outcome 1: Do Well For As 2: Don't Do Well For As

From 1, 3. ***Get into Overseas College(s) of Choice 4. Don't get into Overseas College(s) of Choice

From 3, 5. Get Scholarship 6. Don't get Scholarship

From 4 and 6, Apply locally for desired courses

From 5, Die Happy

From 2, Die.

But somewhere around getting water from the kitchen this morning and walking back to the chair in my room which i spend 1000 hours sitting on, i told myself that the A levels isn't everything. I refuse to subscribe to the popular belief that your education defines you and that how I do for my As is going to determine my happiness for the rest of my life. People will say that this A levels is the most important exam of your life and you've been working up to this moment for 6 years blah blah blahity blah and while it is true that it is going to determine your future in the sense of perhaps the exact location or education facility that you are going to be in, i refuse to let a bunch of exams break me. While it may also be true that it could also facilitate the achievement of my dreams, it is not my dream and it's not the only way Rome. or USA, whatever.

I'm not saying this to indemnify myself from the plausible carnage of A levels, I did work hard despite lapses of concentration. But amongst the barrage of nerves, fear and hyperventilating going around, i think a reality check is what i need the most.

After all, they do say that the only way to rid yourself of the fear of death is the acceptance that you are going to die ****. While out for dinner at Longhouse yesterday (omg, the cardinal sin of taking a break), i peeled my eyes out for fellow wane sallow looking individuals that are the quintessential JC2 students at this time of the year. now that was neither here nor there. still, crossing fingers, may peace (and the force) be with us.

**** We are not going to die, we are going to be brilliant. of course, i want to be brilliant and i do not contemplate anything other than the dream of getting all As.

is this sounding a bit contradictory? whatever, deal with it*****

***** A levels make me angsty

2011-11-07T16:47:00.001+08:00

"oh god why are we all so miserable"

-Top Girls

2011-11-06T21:28:00.002+08:00

proof of The History Teacher being rather funny:

During this time, Afghanistan was quite pleasant. From the 1930s to the early 1970s, it enjoyed a long stretch of stability. Westerners traveled through to drop out of society and reflect (Eat, Pray, Love style), and left with camel leather garments, and opium hangovers. Afghanistan's principle agricultural product was grapes (and therefore wine), and women went to university without acid being splashed in their faces.

if only lessons were normally this amusing.

2 days left to As and i have no comments except i am soooooo bored of what i'm studying. and soooooo looking forward to the end of As. and also feeling sooooo unprepared. but what to do what to do.

2011-10-30T21:40:00.002+08:00

i am ze most excited because i have gotten my prom dress! teeheeheeheehee. bought it online so am crossing fingers soooo bad that it fits well.

also, am considering going Back to Bangs after As.. yes/no/maybe? am banking on the fact that after As = no need tie hair = won't like like loser with bangs. hmm to indicate thought.

so distracted now from constantly thinking about the rest of my prom getup. rrrrr.

teeheehee

2011-10-21T22:45:00.002+08:00

it is far easier to dip into the emotions of others and treat them as if they were your own. diagnose them and say things you hope will make it better, than rip open your heart and examine the decay that manifests in it.

the most critical eye is the one you cast over yourself.

i miss... being asked questions about myself. it's difficult for me to volunteer information sometimes. i feel that i must entertain when i tell people things and my life is too filled with banalities for any of it to be amusing. although objectively, which a level student's life could possibly be anything exciting right now? it's easier to ask questions. people love to talk about themselves. their seemingly endless list of problems, feelings and hopes. ask me, ask me and genuinely want to know what i think. listening is a lost art, so is providing adequate responses. many listen and provide anecdotes of their own lives, slip in rants about their problems and think that it is somehow what others want to hear after splicing their heart open in hope and desperation. is that why people go for therapy? these people are paid to sit there and listen to you. just listen. i'm perfect for therapy. except that i would rather talk to a rock than pay someone to listen to me.

dear rock, thanks for asking. my favourite carol ann duffy poems are The Grammar of Light, Prayer, Miles Away and Girlfriends. i'm recently in love with The Vaccine and The Cure and i just realised how funny that sounds- i guess i must really be in need for some kind of panacea. So am i with Sugar Ray but it wouldn't have fit in that joke. the 90s had some awesome music. sometimes i think i'm so wrapped up in other people i don't know who i am anymore, other times i bury myself in dramas that attempt to convince me that life can be exciting, i just need to try harder.

while i would like to be a manic pixie dream girl and light up the lives of people, i think i need a manic pixie myself to help me remember what life is really about and who i am underneath all these expectations and implanted desires.

2011-10-20T18:15:00.002+08:00

i am currently at the point where i do not give a fuck about my life .

this has everything/nothing to do with my terrible SAT scores.

will probably end up studying local then a 9-5 desk job.

i am also sick and i haven't been doing much work. yup.

lifespan fucked up.

2011-10-01T22:47:00.002+08:00

who says it needs to be your birthday for wish lists:

1. Timberland Loafers from rockstar by soon lee (super, super want. will marry for loafers. kidding. walao but i really super want)

2. navy KC women's hightops by Pointer from \\

3. dark green/maroon jeans

4. pretty coloured shorts

5. navy sneakers from pull&bear

yes i have been window shopping. kill me. who does not look like an a level student? *points at self* also, i realise i have 3 pairs of shoes on my wishlist. one simply cannot have enough shoes.

i also realise that my posts ricochet from only two categories- the bimbotically superficial to the downright emotional.

i like heels but they hate my feet.

oh to link my bimbotic spasms of posts together- ELBMC has failed with Medz. So has AA plan. i just adore food which names i have trouble pronouncing, which makes ordering a little difficult. recently, it has come to my attention that i often write in strange ungrammatical sentence structures. From this day on, I will attempt to post in proper grammatical sentences that are less convulated.

good evening and good night.

that was simple enough.

2011-09-20T22:33:00.002+08:00

now here is the half hour rush before the Hostel's Gateway to Heaven closes- (there is a pun there. yes. there is, look again -fake geek-)

Currently: a general dissatisfaction with life

listening to different music puts me in different moods, The Cure makes me want to jump around a bit on a beach, Stolen-Dashboard Confessional makes me want to run through barley fields, Jay Chou songs make me imagine my life/wish that my life was a Jay Chou MV

something about melodrama appeals to a part of me, the yearning to portray yourself as a tragic figure. the words are all not coming nicely today because there are 20 minutes left to Shut Down Time.

in torrential rains i inevitably think of sandcastles on the beach and random questions about any and every part of our lives. huddling under umbrellas but getting half wet anyway. what is it about memory that paints over everything with gloss? guck that are half made of your own desires and half from cinematic scenes you've watched repeated over and over again.

it is notoriously difficult for me to keep in touch with people. some days i wonder how everyone i have ever known is doing, how have they changed and have their dreams come true? when people you thought you knew become strangers.

it's been long since i did any thinking in the from of retrospection or just.. daydreaming.

isn't it strange how i have somewhat started to like running? i have discovered i run best when my stomach is filled with red hot anger- it does not happen much but fuel made up of any sort of negativity is an approximation. on days when your bones are heavy, running is the only way to feel like you're alive. there's no fun in running slow, running fast feeling the wind cut across your face and running running till it hurts (for me that usually happens pretty quickly #fail #doublefail using hashtag cuz im not even a twitter)

ok 4 minutes, to be safe i will go now.

2011-09-17T13:44:00.002+08:00

The weekend in the middle of the prelims and i'm feeling... like A levels are over. i want to shop i want to shop i want to shop i want to shop IS THAT A CRIME?! IS THAT. IS THAT?!

i need more moolah. i think it is time to go on a Eat Less Buy More Clothes plan. ELBMC- not the catchiest of acronyms (i had to google that i forgot what they were called) but it would do. i want to wear nice clothes put on eyeliner and buy everything at Pull&Bear and also some of them B Brian Atwood Liese Metallic Peep Toe Ankle Boots- anyone got $500 lying around that they decided they do not want?

don't quite think the food baby would be agreeable to the plan though. it can be quite verbose about its desires and complain loudly to the people Lecture Seat Left and Lecture Seat Right.

i wish i were a bit less materialistic and cared a bit less about clothes and would spend less time looking at fashion blogs/tumblrs/random lookbooks and read a bit more econs. but like whatever. could i possibly reiterate more how much i wish the tedious A levels were over? ALREADY omg.

i wanna go to Tieland. You reading this ichybabies??

1 minute left to the time i am supposed to switch off the computer. kapish, we'll see about that

-cliffhanger- (excitingz)

2011-09-11T00:13:00.002+08:00

is it worrying how much i am not worried?

productivity level went downhill like a sin curve after wednesday. what a joke! because i do not know what a sin curve looks like. oh sue me. i may seem flippant but my lack of worrying is worrying me.

fruggggg i need to whip my lazy ass into shape. discipline, weilin, discipline. i wanted to do work at 11.15 pm, then it became 11.20, then 11.30 and then i got a cup of water and brought my books into my room and promptly spilt the cup of water on the table, spent 8 minutes cleaning it up and proceeded to rot and it is now 1230.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHXHZHZHHAHHSHHXHAHAXNZNN

i think i need some studyspiration. one strong cup of 3 parts fear 1 part desire and one hard shake of cheesy motivational speeches on top please. shaken not stired.

2011-09-09T22:33:00.003+08:00

i was panicking for a bit thinking how shit i have half an hour till the internet cut but wait- i'm home! i can surf the internet- AFTER 11. WOW. WOW. WOW. another little thing that makes life (at home) great: being able to wear stupid shorts with pixelised ducks and hearts on them at home.

A levels are a bitch. Kids- never take them. (himym- you are missed) I know they say you will be all the more stronger but that is of course assuming that you will live through it first. man do i truly admire those who have fought and emerged victorious. it just seems that the more i study the more unproductive i am, why why why am i so unmotivated?

if i care enough, i will try to make it work. for the people who matter, i can never convince myself to turn a blind eye to elephants in the room.

i would like to think of myself as independent but i know i am not, i am weak and susceptible to-everything. emotions render my unshakable rationality, pragmatism and logic shakable. this year particularly, amidst all the pressure and the vulnerability that comes with dependence and self psychosis, i am just tearier and more sensitive than ever.

i like incorporating as many elements and nuances to a single sentence as possible.

some days, it just goes like this:

"I played the part I was expected to play. She never had anything to do with me, at all. Every movement I made was an effort of will and sometimes I wondered that no one noticed this. I would listen to my own voice and marvel at it, calm, correct, but toneless surely. But I must have given a faultless performance." Rochester, Wide Sargasso Sea

Many a time surges of emotions stop at the lips and goes straight to paper, or floats about in the dumping ground of the brain which i imagine to be like that of cartoons, a galaxy with random objects floating around (which somehow always includes a cow, a clock and a creepy face) or rather, thoughts. half formed foetuses of thoughts abandoned and never developed nor articulated for the fear of its consequences. once a thought is born you have got to live with it, it trails the subject of the thought and looms beside it, casting shadows upon their faces and you cannot quite see them the same.

next time when i open my bookstore/bar it will not be pretentious! today i was happy just eating kway chup at lorong 4 and drinking kopitiam style ice lemon tea- favourite drink ever? yes a million times over. sorry coke. omg and now i'm hungry again. staying up late makes me hungry. even if it is not very late. talk. ing. to. my. self.

i hang on to the moments that keep me sane.

i care. talk to me.

2011-09-05T08:55:00.002+08:00

it's monday morning- is it pathetic to admit how much i miss home already?

i really don't think i'm the independent type that makes a home wherever i am, although that would be nice for a change. Prelims are right at my doorstep and A level looms, too soon yet too far away at the same time. i don't feel prepared at all. i must remember "they're counting on you. you can't let them down" .

I will, as Thaddeus Lawrence said, focus on the feet in front of me. No emotions.

"no emotion is the final one"

(blatantly out of context but i do not care)

on a separate note, my appetite is insatiable. so is my appetite for sleep.

2011-09-03T00:04:00.002+08:00

The Men I Love:

- Ryan Gosling

- Gaspard Ulliel

- Ruan Jin Tian

- Joseph Gordon Levitt

Girl Crushes:

- Emma Stone

- Blake Lively

- Zooey Deschanel / Katy Perry (because they really do look the same to me)

........ just because.

2011-08-24T15:53:00.002+08:00

beautiful weather- it's warm and windy and i'm waiting till 4 to start work.

the kind of warm and windy that makes you want to run round in circles and roll on the grass.

yes, yes, positivity.

only you can keep yourself sane.

on everything and anything

2011-08-19T23:43:00.003+08:00

i don't actually have much to say but i just feel like sitting here and typing crap.

so here i am...

typing crap.

i'm moving into the hostel on monday! wow. still can't get over how fast it is, but let's not go there for now. it will be a huge change for me and i will miss my dogs ): ok. and maybe my family too. ha ha ha. i'm just hoping that i can adjust to hostel life and just study study study. my worries about hostel are bipolar- on one hand i'm worried i won't have enough space (not physical) of my own and on the other hand i'm afraid i'd be a homesick lonely kid unable to be independent. crossing fingers.

but it's alright. as leeyin who is going to be my new roomie says, we are flexible people, we will manage.

time is flying and i am afraid. the banners declaring "X days to A levels" are up and it just pumps fear fueled motivation and panic into my heart. although evidently not enough to make me not be blogging now, but i digress. i have one aim and it is the 4 glittering As and i refuse to aim for less, although it might be a whole lot more realistic. but i want it and i'm hoping that if i want it hard enough and hence work for it hard enough, it will happen. forget about any extenuating circumstances and inherent limitations, if only the As will descend from the sky from my sheer wanting alone.

i want to go overseas for university (although my reluctance to move into the hostel is shedding doubt on my personal belief that i will flourish independently overseas), simply because i want to. i want to see the world. somehow i have this vision that if i stay in singapore, my life is just going to play out the way everyone expects it to. university -> job -> marriage -> kids -> work till retirement -> retirement and i will be pigeon holed. thoughts! of! being! pigeon! holed! at! 18! i am mad, but it worries me anyway. omg, i dont want to be the same for the rest of the years i'm alive.

i have been daydreaming about travelling a lot these days. mainly during G.P (major yawn). i have been dreaming about exploring, discovering new places and gaining new thoughts and insights about the world. i am lazy i know and therefore i don't capture moments very well in words or photographs that will allow me to relive these moments. i want to live in the moment and enjoy every sensation of it and i do, but damn do i wish i could remember some of them afterwards! i want to travel and write and discover. evidently i have been daydreaming of travelling in the most idealistic manner possible, rising above my consumerist instincts of shopping, gorgeous hotels and cocktails by the beach.

singapore is awesome, i can't deny that, i really do appreciate the security here. but walao, WHY U SO SMALL. i dream of road trips only possible in countries like the US, where you could explore and travel without even needing to get out of your country. but i likesss Asia: Japan, Hong Kong, Taiwan, Thailand etc and i really do not know why i am telling you this. whoever you are.

will you be interested? do you like to listen to me ramble where my thoughts lead me? i hope you do. i like it that people can read what i write if they want to.

i'm sleepy.

i realise the further my mind wanders as my world becomes smaller.

sometimes i wonder who will be there with me through it all, all this madness. i feel like i hardly see anyone these days, let alone know how they're doing. i wonder if this is indicative and i berate myself for i know it takes two to tango ---->>> and i'm terrible at dancing, just to make this metaphor all the more poignant. sometimes i cant help but mull over the sacrifices i make and think about its ramifications. and other times (or at the same time because i am my own counsellor) i hate how i seem to over think things. i am someone who seeks for equality, i don't want to invest time feelings and effort into things that will not give me an equal or equitable rate of return. it just does not seem worth it in the end. in another situation, if the other party isn't worried in the slightest, why should you be, for it implies no cause for worry. applying it onto a third situation- not being there or not being the best friend i know i should be or could be and returning the investment fills me with endless guilt.

i try but it requires so much effort. human relations are complex and trying things.

i wish emotions and thoughts and laziness would just leave me alone so i can cocoon myself and just study study study till my brains explode onto the A level papers from 9-22 Nov in fireworks of mind-blowing brilliance.

i miss debates and my debaters. i miss hanging out at jp after school. i miss pe (wtf?!). i miss not the days of not ever doing math tutorials. i miss the people and friendships that i have inadvertently sacrificed.

sometimes i feel that nobody would ever know me in my entirety, for i would be too afraid of hurting your feelings to reveal all of myself. at the same time, i am bewildered at my own inability to lie and how i cannot seem to control the flashes of emotions on my face. i am always pleasantly surprised when people seem to be able to read me and identify some latent characteristic i never realised i had, yet i would like to be and would like to believe that i guard my private thoughts, fears, hopes and imagination fiercely, revealed only if the circumstances are right.

the multiple contradictions in life befuddles me. sometimes the world is too grey for me to understand it.

2011-08-09T13:48:00.003+08:00

life is good:

-finally figured out how to transfer things from my old ipod to my new (i.e. my brother's) ipod: unintentionally crashing it and having to hard reset it. lo and behold! an ipod which can now be used at night! (cursed backlight of the old "wei lin's ipod" as it is called by itunes)

- going to have sinfood for lunch: Mcspicy w fries (screw diets. hello bottomless pit)

o life, wai u so good to me??

(sobs)

hehehehehe.

2011-08-04T22:42:00.002+08:00

every damn day's the same shade of grey

-Believe Me, Fort Minor.

how do i make everything better? sometimes it gets so difficult all i want to do is leave. hermitlyfe4tw

independence

2011-08-03T18:38:00.002+08:00

a rose by any other name would smell as sweet- romeo and juliet

some describe it as a hollowness, something missing if you will. i feel it gnawing at my stomach, my ribs, the edges of my heart. i feel it nibble at my fingers and demand my attention. look at me. i will not indulge you, i say. firmly. with resolve. twitchy trembling vulnerability, but i take to what is in front of me with renewed vigor and attention. steep yourself into the world of flying words and equations and let the whirl of their voices envelope you. i love you, you are beautiful. for you will speak to me from the page and fill me with wisdom and then i will be wise.

some days you stand on the edge of the precipice and look far beyond. look at the bright skies that beckon, look at alluring days that promise you sunshine and rainbows and butterflies. look at what lurks below, murky depths pooled around skeletons of those that had tried in vain. you stand on the edge of the precipice alone and only your strength can stop you now.

2011-07-28T21:04:00.004+08:00

it's the 28th of july and i'm still heady from the fact that i'm old now, apparently i have a wrinkle on my eyebag. whut.

here's a hugeee thankyou to everyone who made my day so awesome and made me feel so loved

billions of hugs and kisses

i would like to speak like a chain smokin long haired white trash hippy- all raspy endearments and occasional words of wisdom. do they talk like that? i might be thinking more southern.

"hey darlinn howz yur momma comin ahlong sweetehpie" call me thelma

been feeling kinda floaty lately, no sense of rootedness and without a direction

help-

why is being good so damn difficult? please grant me discipline and motivation, of which i am so sorely lacking in. maybe i should have asked for that for my birthday instead

asdfkjkl

birthday wishlist

2011-07-21T19:40:00.002+08:00

What I Would Like For My Birthday:

1. a full scholarship to a university of my choice ^^

2. all As for Prelims and A levels (mooted if 1. is granted)

3. world peace

ok now for realistic things:

1. a new ipod touch/iphone4/iphone5 ^^

2. chocolate brown instax + film

3. cute socks (crew socks and not ankle) to be worn with my awesome new zara booties

e.g. http://www.sockittome.com/cart/index.php?dispatch=categories.view&category_id=172

4. Bohemia perfume from Marks and Spencers

http://www.fragrantica.com/perfume/Marks-and-Spencer/Bohemia-12206.html

5. clothes~~~ (tops in particular and gahhhh modcloth.com dresses/swimsuits -lusts-)

6. awesome rings- vintagey gold ones/dark metal ones/dramatic ones that are really long or have chains eheh.

7. makeup: cream/liquid eyeliner//brown eyeshadow palette ------- ya i knw i vain thnx heh.

8. more awesome girly things awesome shoes/bags etc.

9. Books: A Fraction of The Whole - Steve Toltz, The Book of Other People - compiled by Zadie Smith, Five Quarters of the Orange- Joanne Harris, books by any other author which you think is awesome

10. Anything Awesome. my vocabulary is evidently extremely limited ^^

AWESOME~!

2011-07-19T22:40:00.003+08:00

it's amazing how songs can conjure up different memories, each carrying their own associated images and scents and even time itself. click 5's first CD just reminds me of being 13 and awkward and "first love" and the hideous campus of commonwealth.

i'm turning 18!

old liao

2011-07-17T22:14:00.003+08:00

if i could escape and recreate this place as my own world

it's been an odd couple of days, some could testify to that. what with all the anxiety (some) of getting back papers and the horrifying sight of which is the school library after school (very much) just about stops my heart- or send it pumping through the roof. so anxious and stressed out even though i haven't by anybody's standards but my own been doing work. i can absolutely empathise with people going crazy over exams now; how many mini-breakdowns does it take to make up a full fledged one? how many pulsating plays of angry songs (my personal favourite: You're Gonna Go Far Kid- The Offspring) and laps in the pool does it take to make everything ok? how long till you know you've had enough forever? i wonder, i wonder.

apart from the insanity, it's been alright. well duh. have been doing lots of slacking/lepaking/chilling/nuaing to make up for the stress from doing nothing- oh the sick irony of it all. wouldn't i love to just forget it all and kick back with sangria and melt away in the sun.

often a time, i must kick myself and remind myself to stay strong. some people help, i keep their advice close to my heart. my mama said the other day, "it's ok, don't go to the library already ok?" somehow, it has become an emblem of everything there is to fear.

ok. nothing to say now. what an awkward ending.

serenity prayer

2011-07-04T21:34:00.002+08:00

Some people bring out the worst in you, whatever you think it may be. It usually is the antithesis of what you pride yourself on, be it your sense of rationality or ability to keep your cool. these people bring out a part of you you never thought existed, as you watch the monster in you rear its ugly head with horror and disgust. ugly, ugly, ugly. i do not like to be ugly, to be dismayed at how terrible i can become, by my own standards. quell it. i would like to quell it, bury it and never let this ugly side of me appear again but it can get so difficult, repressing your emotions and letting it clog your throat and burn, burn, burn.

the good thing is that i get over things relatively quickly, so indeed it will pass. but only the foolish think that anything will ever be forgotten. a similar person, a similar circumstance, will quickly open the floodgates to what you've kept hidden or what you thought you were over.

but i find it difficult to pretend. it is easy to hide behind a screen and let your usual idiosyncratic language play out on the screen, but people have said i can't lie and my face is an open book. behind a screen, it is but writing a story through the voice of someone else, through the voice of another part of you.

it is difficult to separate principles from ideals, intention from action.

through the veil of someone else playing out familiar situations, literature tries to warn us of doom. listen to Christophine, Antoinette, she is right you know.

never mind, never mind. it's alright.

2011-06-17T23:58:00.003+08:00

i wish there were multiple realities and i could exist in all of them at the same time or perhaps switch channels as i like. the quest for perfection makes me sick yet it embodies the understanding that the only thing you can control in life is yourself. at the same time, i wish to be beautiful- devastating and larger than life. i'm tired all the time and have been so unproductive these few days i just want to let go and not look back. but i will grit my teeth and hang on because life after As will be beautiful, filled with endless possibilities but also difficult decisions and the future, as it is uncertain now, will be certain then.

"But on the wild nights who can call you home? Only the ones who know your name"

-fastingonwords.tumblr, oranges, jeanette winterson

("look chang, stalking u!" KIDDING to both chang and khoo ;D)

it's so difficult to put it into words and countless writers have tried, in an attempt to pin down the intangible.at the end, what is the best that you can do? but approximate it to words, images and common knowledge. it is never sufficient, we can live in books, plots and movies, but it is a journey that invites your own discovery, none of which the same, and not some ideal dictated from the enlightened. you need to feel. it is in the universe, it is in the alignment of stars. it is in the second of unadulterated fission, it is in the unique parfum of skin. it is in the warmth between clasped hands and in the quiet weight of comfort. it is in looks that you can read without words and laughter that you can categorise into its occasions. do you understand it now? so often, we seek for understanding and commonality in experience and feelings to gauge and set standards by which to measure how much we love and how much we've lived. when sometimes, it isn't necessary at all.

get well soon

you saw the best there was in me

2011-06-12T21:41:00.003+08:00

Confessions: Debates

SPDO marks the last tourney of my debating life in rv and a debate with a bunch of ahnehs is The Last Debate.

I've been in debates since sec 2 (omg) i.e. i've committed 4 years of my life in debates and it makes me sad to think that I will am now Alumni and will never debate for my team and school again. Debates to me is so much more than just a cca wing of eldds, debates has taught me many things and shaped who i am today.

i remember my first debates training like it was yesterday- i.e. being scared after hearing rumours about jeremiah being damn scary and throwing markers at people LOL.

Debates has taught me....

1. more than Lang Arts or GP has EVER taught me -_-

2. dedication.

3. how to deal with loss

4. the balance between pride and being humble

5. what it means to be an underdog

6. to be more vulgar

the unique experience of being in rv debates accrues (there you go, estelle ;) )a lot to the perpetual underdog feeling that you get in the circuit. i've long accepted how rv just does not have a culture of debating nor respect for debating and i truly think a culture of debates is the hallmark of a good school. debates is the convergent point of knowledge, communication skills, logic, improvisation and multitasking. it instills in you a greater sensitivity towards the nuances of issues and a rationality that can apply anywhere. oh plox and in class debates are just lame kthnxbai.

it is this paranoia that debaters will look at your school and immediately think that you suck, which perpetually makes me feel that we have a point to prove. the point that no, not all rv kids are only concerned with science and mugging, we can do debates too. it also this that breeds the insecurity that continues to haunt- that you will never be good enough.

every loss hurts, particularly when it is extremely close (comparing upwards only, of course. i have my pride too). you just kill yourself for the missed opportunities and the little things, because every damn thing counts. if i could, i'd redo every loss. i hate losing. i hate sitting there on the floor, listening to the adj justify why you lost. i hate the awkwardness after and the sadness of it all, for a loss is so pivotal to breaking.

omg, i used to cryyyyy so bad when we lost the pivotal round that will stop us from breaking -_- . walao 2 years in jgs team = 2 years of crying la -_- nb

for a period of time, i had accepted losing as natural. i was intimidated by brand name schools and accepted and internalised the eventuality that we would end up losing. i had accepted that breaking will always be a faraway dream and i was used to turning up for only preliminary rounds. it was terrible that i felt this way not to mention how much of an ego bashing it was, but i felt that that period humbled me.

but somehow along the way, i really wanted to win. and by that i mean i REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted to win. ok let's not go too far, i wanted to just break and take things from there. it is rather infectious, somehow. and in that, perspectives changed. a name is a name and often people aren't as good as they make themselves out to be. you know you're not that far off and if you work hard enough, you will get there. and so we did. fuck it man we worked our asses off or just to put things into perspective we worked harder than we have ever worked and tried our best to improve as much as we can in a short period of time (stupid fact sheets and daily articles they were such a pain in the ass)

because i wanted so much to win, it was so heartbreaking that we didn't break intercolls. i had initially looked upon SPDO as a leng leng anyhow la last debate liao play for fun. but somehow, "playing for fun" and "for the experience" no longer applies anymore. in for the kill.

do you see it now? do you see how things were for me? to know me, is to know how debates had shaped me. i find it hard to talk about debates except with debaters and my team because such abstract feelings can be comprehended but not easily understood in its entirety.

to end off, i must say how much i luv luv luv luv luvvvvvvv my team (: queenie and yijin are the best team mates anyone could ask for. of course, the lack of people in our levels makes any other permutation impossible but it is also because of that which gave us all the more opportunities to make our synergy possible. i love this team where we can work hard together, prep together, crap together and then make frisbee jokes together ;) we're good together guys and we've come a long way together.

we've come a long way together.

2011-06-04T18:03:00.001+08:00

fuck this i need a distraction. sitting in front of the computer, reading facebook updates about the most pointless things in the world, with one that occasionally hurts. and now writing the most pointless post in the world about further pointless things. want to go drink myself silly now

_|_

in an hour

2011-06-03T12:02:00.001+08:00

Am I more than you bargained for yet?

...

You're going down down in an earlier round

Sugar you're going down swinging

careful facade of nonchalance

2011-05-31T22:43:00.003+08:00

i'm currently sitting in a swamp of papers.

boredom and forcing myself to file inevitably results in me blogging- what a timely distraction! strong correlation -> 1.0 between the negativity of my mood and blog posts.

what ever happened to my new year resolutions of filing regularly -__- WHEN I'M IN UNIVERSITY, I SWEAR I WILL. i look at the history pile with utter dread and wish i could set it on fire. my interest in history went on a downhill trajectory since the start of 2011, sigh.

kind of in the mood for melodrama.

we could've had it all

(you're gonna wish you never had met me)

rolling in the deep

somehow this song just brings out lots of angst and thirst for revenge in me. well duh considering the lyrics but still.

there's a fire starting in my heart

reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark

MIDCS in 2 days. fucking determined to make fireworks, i really want it this time. been feeling like i have something to prove.

tomorrow's probably going to be another day. you truly realise your over-reliance when everything is too quiet and you're just holding your breath waiting for the silence to break.

unhealthy.

2011-05-30T20:49:00.002+08:00

30 Day Challenge:

saw this on tumblr and shall do this because somebody said it is pointless

Day 1: 5 ways to win your heart

1) ..... Not say the things i find interesting pointless

HAH. in your face. _|_

muaha.

2011-05-30T00:11:00.003+08:00

sigh kinda dreading training these days. queenjie if you're reading this, your seniors wuv u v much we will get through this together.

hey julie

look what they're doing to me

trying to trip me up

trying to wear me down

julie i swear it's so hard to bear it

i will never make it through without you around

how did it come to be

that you and i must be

far away from each other every dayyyy

why must i spend my time filling up my mind

with facts and figures that never add up anyway

(they never add up anyway)

fountains of wayne.

2011-05-26T19:20:00.001+08:00

thanks for nothing.

the night i can't remember, with the girl i can't forget

2011-05-26T17:51:00.002+08:00

Listening out for the song that will make things right and the words that will give me strength.

why does my liang teh taste like moisturiser

GP midyears are tomorrow, am so damn busy urghhhhhhhfsahdsadan need a REAL holiday away away away from all of THIS

brain dump

2011-05-19T20:32:00.002+08:00

Life As It Is:

- my eyebags have eyebags. somehow no matter how much i sleep i cant get rid of that gaunt look i have around the eyes

- watched RV v.s. DHS basketball match today and RV won o yea let's go rv let's go~ cheered till our voices were hoarse. totally felt like i was in high school musical.

-am confounded by my inability to translate feelings and thoughts into words these days. also by the fact that i blog without beginning a sentence properly and avoiding personal pronouns.

-little things get to me these days and frustration teeters at the tip of my tongue but i save it. i save it and i tell myself you know these things these people don't matter and the more i chant that the more i start to believe it. as the numbers for the dreaded countdown click their way to zero, stress and tension are just going to increase exponentially and you just really dont need buttons pushed.

- i don't like the way i view people for it is extremely tiring. people are tiring. i have discovered that my last impression of people sticks until they do something to utterly change that view. often, nothing quite manages to change.

- i don't like lying. i don't like pretending. i don't like pretending to feel things when i dont, to laugh when it isnt funny and to play nice when i really feel like otherwise.

- i dont know why i so angsty today sia lolcatz

- am currently in the midst of the debates season, with the big M I D C S round the corner. am trying to inject some meaning and feelings into my last 3 competitions so that i would be motivated to work harder and to give it my best. but o m g it is hard do you know how boring research can be and how many other things i'd rather be doing. i know that i must attain the feeling where you feel that you have no reason to lose because of how hard you've worked and how much you know, if only taking that path wasn't so difficult and required so much discipline. i cant help but still feel not prepared not prepared not prepared and i think jeremy would keel me if i said that and give me a 123456 hours long pep talk.

- Life, WAI U LIKE DAT?!?!

revelations of a certain degree

2011-05-10T20:05:00.003+08:00

i know i take things too personally. but still.

it doesnt matter if i dont want it anymore, doesnt matter if i thought i was stupid for wanting it in the first place. i still take it upon myself as a personal failure, maybe because i found myself trying. trying to grab hold of slippery threads that were half fading anyway. trying, its such a pathetic looking word that just teems of unreciprocated over-enthusiasm.

i think i can see where some people's motivation come from. it comes from thinking "what is it that i dont have" and this translates into a quiet rage that makes you want to be better in every way. i like this. i think it's useful and i'd keep it.

so suck that

2011-04-23T00:24:00.002+08:00

oh hai, saturday night or rather sunday morning 12.25 AM and my eyes feel like theyre bleeding.

i think of it as saturday night.

here are the things i miss:

1. gobbling up fiction without feeling guilty about procrastinating

2. having lunch/general slacking at jp with friends

3. not having to do fact sheets and daily articles

4. not having a backlog of fact sheets and articles

5. feeling close to people

how do people get by? i hear rocket fuel coursing through their veins and envision minutes used to the maximum. i unwittingly come across self-written phrases of encouragement and self motivation as i float in the flotsam of my procrastination. get the metaphor?

amidst all the strength and determination, i feel lonelier and lonelier.

i like to pit myself against the world and feel victimized, wry and alone in the way that i desperately wish could pass off as being special. perhaps we all have demons that we all try hard to suppress in the night as we frantically grab on to the written word that will save us. i would never know.

2011-02-26T07:38:00.000+08:00

2011-02-20T01:47:00.004+08:00

I'M BACKKKKKKKK

partly because junjie says i dont ever blog. which is true, but still. and ningqian asked me to "update leh auntie".

but mostly because i.am.in.love.

shoes from irregular choice make me question what i have been wasting money on all my life. seriously, they're so exquisite )': so damn beautiful, they're works of ART they are. but pricey at 50-80 pounds (for a poor kid like me who cant afford to throw 1000 bux for a pair of big brands) and then another 25 pounds for shipping -.- keel me. i think once you've had beautiful AA shoes, you can't go back. the only shoes i seem to wear these days (school shoes not withstanding) are my black nike high cuts/puma (self coined) "astro" high cuts/red loafers/grey aldo felt ankle boots.

omg k. apparently: "Irregular Choice is available at Takashimaya S.C, Nicholas @ Marina Square, Trove @ Esplanade Mall and Zouk Boutique." crosses fingers that theyre affordable and they have the designs i want, i.e. Wings Invasion, Bangers & Mash, Swordmaker, Delish (from poetic license) ikr, even their names are so adorable! *sighs*. omg apparently there's a sale at taka I PRAY IT IS STILL ON SHALL GO CHECK IT OUT TMRW.

what test week again?

(what a bimbotic post. oh sue me. flicks hair.)

2011-01-20T18:37:00.002+08:00

I watched it float through the sky, light as a dust ball. Watched it as it landed behind your ears and settled in that dark and sensual place- unnoticed. Days passed as it waxed and stretched, slowly and evenly coating your skin. Unwittingly you bring your hand to your neck to brush it away as it hovered, half formed. But there it was. It was almost parasitic the way it clung, it grew as you grew, love as you loved. As it crept down onto your arms and around your throat, threatening to close up on you as you struggled for breathing space Get off I'm tired Stop I need space. And then it was gone. Say it and it will go.

2011-01-19T22:34:00.002+08:00

some days/some nights,

you kind of just want to curl up in bed and have years of silent dreamless sleep.when you wake up, times would have moved on and people would have changed, while you remain who you were score years ago. the world cannot reconcile the time you gained/lost with the time your heart ticks to, to give yourself a semblance of reality to exist in. so you just drift about on your own terms and at your own time, while the world runs, years too quickly.

why are the days so long and the nights so quietly pensive?

too many voices and too many thoughts, throw me into a white padded room and let the thick door slam itself shut.

2011-01-16T11:41:00.001+08:00

one day, i will be devastating.

2010

2011-01-02T11:58:00.003+08:00

2010 was...

looking back, in the grand scheme of things, 2010 was pretty damn awesome, even if it did have its dark moments. 2010 was punctured with exclamations of "OMG can't believe it's march/june/july/october/november/december already", the endless mindless cycle of going for lectures&tutorials can really blur time. despite everything, i had lotssssss of fun in between, thanks to the awesomeness that are my friends and the chance opportunities that knocked on my door.

2010 was also a year of many firsts and many novel experiences, although not all of them entirely appropriate to be listed on a public space LOL. but i can't resist- they include having piggyback races outside wheelock place at 2 am in the morning, sneaking into giraffe (both when it was open and when it closed down), getting groped by athletes during yog (ugh), tears streaming down my face in front of the computer when news of GWH broke, amongst other appropriate/inappropriate things which should/should not be disclosed.

but as mentioned, 2010 was not all sunshine, there were moments of self doubt, loneliness, anger, paranoia, emptiness and extreme feelings of sadness that threatened to overwhelm everything else. but by the end of 2010, i realised that you know, i was really sick of feeling not good enough for people and i'm just not going to kill myself over trying to be good enough anymore.

2010 was also the year that i fell in crush, out of crush, in crush and out of crush again to realise that what i've been looking for has been there all along. there's no way to talk about you on a public space without sounding crazy hahaha so just- thank you jt, for everything. thank you to all my friends too for being such awesome people that i can't live without, for all the crazy memories, the laughter and the fun we have together. for all the good times and the bad times and for being there through it all. here's to many more great memories and many more years of friendship.

2011 won't be easy, what with A levels and all. still in a bit of a shock that j1 is over just LIKE THAT. but for the sake of flying far away for uni and achieving dreams, i will grit my teeth and hang in there. 2011, be good to me. :)

(THE GOOD: 2011 has been great as of thus far- the last dinner of 2010 was had with ichians after karaoke and pris yj brian cherie and i counted down at sg flyer with lots of screams cheers hugs and ... camwhoring. then they crashed at my place and we played twister, wii, stress, ate noodles proudly cooked by yj and brian (i fail) before falling asleep on the couch at 7 am. then breakfast at macs before everyone left and i went to meet jt for tea (which smelt like pee T_T) and then dinner with the family before i came home and slept for 13.5 hours.

THE BAD: it's now sunday, which is housework day. what do we do on housework day? HOUSEWORK! oh yay. oh. and i haven't started on holiday homework at all. hee hee hee. )

absolutely hilarious.

2010-12-24T00:02:00.002+08:00

hahahahahahahahahahahahha when i added lychees onto my green apple frolick, never would have imagined it was THIS funny. laughed for like... 10 minutes after i swiped it off the counter.

there will be those who get it and those who don't, but everyone will have something to say. and i? let's just say i would like to chop the legs of high horses with a blunt axe.

2011, i can't wait for you to be over already, so i can run run run from small town lameness into the great beyond.

what was it again? oh yes, merry christmas :)

2010-12-15T13:36:00.005+08:00

oh my god i am like so damn cranky now zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

kind of just want to roll around and whine and throw tantrums and bite things in a green room at a neutral temperature of 24 deg c, fueled by guacamole and crackers and sushi. am totally supposed to be at el lunch, instead i'm house sitting while the part time maid and painter does maiding and painting. and the painter was supposed to be here at 10 in the morning mind you, but he came parading in at 12 plus w.t.f. and i was totally unceremoniously woken up too with loud exclamations of "WAKE UP THE PAINTERS ARE COMING" at 9 am.

WHAT IS LIFE. _|_

oh and was totally kicked out of the house to buy lunch (none of which was MINE) at 12 noon IN THE HOT SUN which resulted in SWEATING in my fugly giordano junior t-shirt and rabbit boxers. and then while in the lift having ran into my sec 1 cousin, the woman who lives on the 12th floor asked me "oh you went to find your classmate?" with reference to my sec 1 cousin.

HI. i am soooooo sick of people mistaking me for a child. it's so annoying! in my tour group in usa, some woman thought i was 11. on the plane back from san francisco to taiwan, the air stewardess asked me if i wanted a toy. while being mistaken for being 13 is not as devastating as the other 2 incidences, it is still as annoying. what does anyone have to do to tell the world HI I AM 17 AND NO YOUNGER?!?!?!

so now i'm gross and i didn't wash my hair last night but its 1.57 pm, such an odd timing to bathe! i do not like to bathe at random times. it's either morning/night. and washing of hair should be done only ONCE a day and at night after a day out. and faces should only be washed twice a day. it annoys me when my bathing routine is disrupted which it has been for the past few days. if there's one thing i'm anal about, it's washing my hair and face. coz to keep hair/skin healthy, they shouldn't be washed too many times a day! it strips them of their natural oils that moisturizes them!! this! paragraph! is! so! irrelevant! and! banal! ! ! ! !

oh my god and the people upstairs are drilling some shit. hate. the. sounds. of. renovation.

makes me wanna punch people and bite things.

and theres nothing good on tv. seriously, Nickelodean, there's only so many repeated episodes of spongebob squarepants one can take. and Disney, mr bean is Freaky Freaky Freaky i suggest immediate cancellation of the program.

just 2 more hours to go before da mudder comes home and i can LEAVE. BORED.

revel in my boredom for it has brought me here.

but nobody comes here.

cuz nobody's home~ i wanna go home~ blah. song that has been stuck in my head all day.

speaking of songs, most amazing song EVER. as youtube commenters like to say, i have been "raping" the replay button.

embedded for its awesomeness.

seriously. sam tsui singing the first verse gives me the shivers man, especially "my lover, my life, my baby, my wife" *squeals* and of course omg christina grimmie is hot as! love the distortion

WAI SO TALENTED.

oh! and to whoever out there who's still reading my blog, go to the popular fair at suntec! IT. IS. AWESOME. the lost symbol for 11.90, buy 2 books get 1 free etc. carted home 12 books and now i need a new bookshelf. (the lost symbol is so damn addictive, finished it in a few days)

i feel like me blogging right now is very much Me talking to Myself and pretending that Myself has a separate personality and does not know all the crap i've been thinking about already.

meow.

2010-12-13T23:25:00.003+08:00

i haven't been blogging but i felt an urge to make meaning from words and i'm too lazy to pick up a pen today so i'm here.

anyway, i wish i blogged more. or wrote stuff down more. so that you know, when people ask "how's USA?" i can say more than "it was damn cold" ..

you know. the works. so that i can remember the intricate details of things and how i felt at individual moments because we all know that it's the Moments that matter. and then you can reread them and smile. and you'd have a record of your life and you can tell things about yourself from the moments that you choose to preserve.

i wish that thoughts could translate themselves into words.

i really should quit being so lazy and write down things before i forget them. but on the other hand, theres always the whole "live in the moment" thing where you truly immerse yourself into an experience, rather than scramble for a pen and desperately try to grab onto the tails of the best and most elusive words that approximate the moment.

because the act of choosing the right words can be tiring and somewhat of a wet blanket, when you just can't get hold of them and they fall short of the experience.

the same way that it pisses me off that my sony compact cam can't capture the vivid colours of the sunsets despite being in "vivid colours mode" and the twinkling of city lights.

i am sleepy.

sleepy rambling.

2010-11-22T00:50:00.005+08:00

From Wanyi (aka "happinessinacarton"), who very freakily predicted that i was going to do the quiz!!! well, sortof. i was reading the list and thought "i should do this quiz" and at the bottom of her post she asked me "How many of these books have you read, Weilin?" and i was " !!!! OMG. PSYCKID"

(omg and now i feel silly for i just realised she tagged on my blog asking me to do it too)

(but i didn't see it)

(so it isn't silly and i'm not dumb)

(proof: the number of books i read)

(not crazily a lot but still. NOT DUMB K.)

(heh)

Have you read more than 6 of these books? The BBC believes most people will have read only 6 of the 100 books listed here.

Instructions: Copy this into your NOTES. Bold those books you've read in their entirety, italicize the ones you started but didn't finish or read an excerpt.

1 Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen (i read this on my ipod when i've nothing else to read)
2 The Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series – JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee *(read a bit of the play, COUNTED?!)
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four – George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials – Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations – Charles Dickens
11 Little Women – Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles – Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 – Joseph Heller (this, i am very proud)
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare (who the hell can finish this, it's insane)
15 Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong – Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch – George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind – Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby – F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House – Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy (thick and heavy like a brick damnit)
32 David Copperfield – Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis
34 Emma – Jane Austen
35 Persuasion – Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe – CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis De Berniere
39 Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh – AA Milne (read some when i was a kid)
41 Animal Farm – George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code – Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney – John Irving
45 The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd – Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies – William Golding
50 Atonement – Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi – Yann Martel
52 Dune – Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm – Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities – Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World – Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time – Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez (have been meaning to read this)
61 Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck
62 Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History – Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road – Jack Kerouac (the library's copy smelt like cigarettes. kind of sexy and suited for the book, but still stinky. let's just pretend it's a legit reason for not finishing a book)
67 Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding (uh.. i read the second book but not the first!)
69 Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie (crazy book)
70 Moby Dick – Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens
72 Dracula – Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgson Burnett (The Great Illustrated Classics- IT COUNTS RIGHT??)
74 Notes From A Small Island – Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses – James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar – Sylvia Plath (em0)
77 Swallows and Amazons – Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal – Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair – William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession – AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple – Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day – Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web – EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton (read some, im not quite sure how large is the "collection" heh)
91 Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks
94 Watership Down – Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet – William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables – Victor Hugo

i've read 22!!!! o yea baby~

and 14 "started on/read an excerpt"

(Jane Eyre is a particularly huge pain in the ass. bought the book in like primary school and read from beginning to the middle MANY TIMES OVER THE YEARS and i've still not finished it)

SO THIS WAS WHERE ALL MY TIME WENT.

2010-11-13T23:20:00.003+08:00

Many a time, i feel like i'm just waiting for the other shoe to fall. the shoe usually comes in the forms of a catch or just the plain fact that everything ends someday- some sooner some later. because everything too good will fail, inevitably. i would rather sooner than later, because often the anticipation is worse than the ultimate end itself. so why not make it less painless?

also, why invest in something that's going to end then?

yet it is undeniably true that life is about the journey and not the destination. extrapolating that into other areas, the same reasoning still stands.

ok i never win when i debate with myself.

comforting is marathons of cheesy cartoons and shows like Suite Life on Deck.

also, cody > zack any day, he's so much cuter.

possible career choices:

1. set up a micro-finance business in a developing country

2. aid worker

3. news broadcaster

4. huge movie star

5. voice artist

6. be a tv star: host travel shows ~

7. journalist

8. psychiatrist

im actually not so keen on the last 2, which sadly, are the most feasible ones and the one that my parents want me to do.

cranky sleepy tired

2010-11-02T23:17:00.001+08:00

我需要学会独立，坚强，而在孤独中找到快乐。

2010-11-01T23:43:00.001+08:00

You can only go to places where the doors are unlocked.

2010-10-26T23:25:00.002+08:00

1) i try my best to be as open and non-judging as possible, perhaps because i fear judgement myself. and then i'm mad at myself for fearing judgement, for does it really matter what people think? and why is it that i have two answers to that?

"the brave will not live forever, but the cautious will not live at all"

-Princess Diaries.

2) i wish i could make things better for you. also, it feels like it's been long.

3) i can't wait to leave this place. yet, the future scares me a bit. but what scares me even more is that i don't get the future that i want.

there are words for this feeling but i don't use them

2010-10-05T20:53:00.003+08:00

hours bleed into days bleeding into weeks into months into years.

they hide in the shadows;

wrinkles on faces silences in conversations margins of books corners of your eyes space within clenched fists-

whispering rank hellos.

they gather strength as warm light seeps into earth and in darkness-

they rise on their heels stomp on the ground stretch towards infinity bellowing shouting shrieking

what's the point what's the point what's the point

2010-09-30T22:09:00.003+08:00

sometimes, i ask myself WHY.

WHY do you toodle too too DOODLE doo doo doo?!

all the doodle toodle too doo too too drives me too too doodle. doodley doo.

seriously, just toodley doodley doo. TOO. doo doo.

and i wish i could toodley doodley doo too doo too doo, doo too.

but doodley too. toodley doo. TOODLEY DOODLEY DOO.

DOO. TOO. DOOTOO.

2010-09-23T20:50:00.003+08:00

A Grandmother's Story:

When I was at Bridging Minds, I had a mild epiphany. Pika carries this huge tote filled with things around- it weights a tonne. We were in her room (or someone else's room, i forget) and i picked up this set of markers, felt tip pens in every colour in a transparent case that came from her bag.

"Why the hell do you carry this around, Pika?! No wonder your bag's so heavy!"

"... makes me happy - :)"

and then my world spun on its axis a little and I thought Hell Yeah, it makes her happy, why not?

Absolutely. It makes me happy. It makes you happy. It needs no other explanation.

mundane rambles

2010-09-21T21:37:00.003+08:00

maybe it's just me, but i find facebook extraordinarily depressing. i just do. i do not know why and like Cassandra, "Perhaps if I make myself write I shall find out what is wrong with me", but this glorious moment in time between After Exams and The Returning of Results should not be spent on moping yes, hence i shall not dwell.

i've had a marvellous time recently, exams FINALLY ENDED yesterday (meh to those who do not end last like we do) and after hanging with most of the ichians (mega love) at vivo, went to kbox with leeyin cherie brian yijin, which was really really really fun and HIGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (*WAILS* MY LIFE. WOULD SUCK. WITHOUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUU)

& today i had an awesome time with nq at town. o.m.g. it must be that the stress has finally gotten to me, for i spent $255 on 2 dresses, a school bag, a wallet and adidas school shoes. the irony, considering that the academic year has just ended and here i am, buying new school supplies. of course, my pens have been depleted with promos (actually half way through, they were all gone) and i have not bought any, merely having stolen my mom's.

i've just finished a really really really good book called I Capture The Castle by Dodie Smith (that's where Cassandra aforementioned comes from) and i'm kind of just sitting on it for a while. not literally. like you know, after a book you kinda just need to rest and absorb the awesomeness of it before you move on to another. the protagonist and her voice is extremely endearing *(j.k. rowling said so too, that she was a charismatic narrator, no one disagrees with thy holy) , undeniably one of my favourite characters of all time. interesting fact: Dodie Smith wrote The Hundred and One Dalmatians. tell me if you've read it i will happily launch into a discussion with you :D

it's extremely ironic how the education system in Singapore leaves little time for leisurely reading.

A paradox: spending $$$$ on shopping makes one feel both rich and poor.

I like...

"-about the difficulty of finding words to describe the luminous mist, and why one has the desire to describe beauty.

'Perhaps it's an attempt to possess it,' I said.

'Or be possessed by it, perhaps that's the same thing, really. I suppose it's the complete identification with beauty one's seeking.' "

and

"Only half a page left now. Shall I fill it with 'I love you, I love you, I love you' - like father's page of cats on the mat? No. Even a broken heart doesn't warrant a waste of good paper."

and lots more, all from I Capture The Castle.

teenage dream

2010-09-19T20:41:00.005+08:00

dear anyone who's reading this,

okay finally, here's a post that does not alienate everyone but me.

life has been pretty awesome (apart from the fact that i have an exam tmrw) (and that itchy mosquito bites makes me wanna strip my skin off my muscle or fats)(more likely the latter).

after the week of intensive mugging (or not), my friday was spent at MARINA BAY SANDSSSSSSSSSSSSS *SCREAMS*. lounging at the skypark made me feel pretty damn rich even if i'm not ('twas a free stay after all) and the best parts of the hotel room were the bathtub and the free chocolates laid out on a pretty glass tray that i gobbled up amongst my family's exclamations that it was fake and for decoration.

of course everyone proceeded to snatch them after i ate the first one and let out orgasmic sounds.

the view from the top was amazing, i swear i was able to see things Miles Away! While it would have been nice to have my Girlfriends or even a Valentine (lots of decent looking boyz up there in the sky), all i had were my Brother(s) , mom, cousin and grandma. The city skyline was gorgeous at night too, it'd have been perfect if there were Shooting Stars, I'd have wished that i could stay there forever. Damn, super Lovesick for that place ):

more evidence that i tried to study Carol Ann Duffy while lounging at the sky park at 8 am in the morning. of course i ended up staring into the morning light or people watching more, before i caved in and went for a dip. i swam twice and went up to the skypark thrice in the duration of two days and a night, i mean SERIOUSLY. LOOK AT THAT VIEW. i could live there forever.

my head's filled with nothing but half crafted fantasies of post-promos plans (none of which includes PW) and websites like *moment of Father being a complete killjoy while i jizz to gorgeouz roadtrip pix* http://www.readplatform.com/maui-wowie/# and http://www.readplatform.com/toasted-and-coasted/

of course, no exotic trips to egypt/turkey/africa/eastern europe/italy/paris for me. the family is probably going to go to Hokkaido and look at white stuff on tall pointy formations and then ski down them while i freeze my sorry ass off. like Antoinette I NEED THE SUN. my idea of "r&r" is lying by golden beaches with a mojito. ironically, while the idea of traipsing in such lovely culturally and visually rich places ups my heartbeat, i do not like the process of travelling or more specifically moving. while i know people like nq (hi ningqian) loves flying, i hate sitting in a cramped seat for 1001 hours, it is all very "ARE WE THERE YET ARE WE THERE YET?!?!"

o boy. i should really be reading about mise en scene and portrayals of diverse female experiences right now.

and just saying that reminds how much i do not have a life. dear friends, let's make a list of crazy things to do and really Do It this time like Lauren&Grace (ref: above links). I'M 17, I SHOULD BE FALLING OVER DRUNK/STONED EVERYDAY AND CLIFF JUMPING AND GOING ON ROADTRIPS INSTEAD OF BEING SUBJECTED TO EXAMS. for now, i only have my 14 inch long to satisfy my desires.

... 14 inch laptop la.

tata

letters

2010-09-08T23:02:00.002+08:00

dear x,

we are all in our happy places-

but i think back.

not in disappointment, nor wistfulness.

especially not sadness.

but more of a... curiosity? i guess a lot of things are just, like that lor. but it does reflect a certain amount of inability on my part.

can i say that it even irritates me to see you happy?

of course i can! only i can be happy, you should be suffering from persistence of vision

'"Persistence of vision," she says. You must have seen something so dark that it's carried on affecting your vision even though you're not looking at it anymore. "But how?" Magnus says. "Exactly the same if you saw something too bright," she says' - The Accidental by Ali Smith

...because i'm bright. i want to be bright.

this is my moment of self indulgence and douche-yness. promos is driving me quite mad.

"'going the same way, in my opinion- a lowering expression.'"

by the way, you take yourself too seriously.

what's that oscar wilde quote again?

xoxo, weilin.

2010-09-08T22:32:00.002+08:00

small town girl, living in a small town world.

and this is why i NEED to get out of singapore for university. i love singapore and all, don't get me wrong. i will probably end up freezing my ass off in some random ang moh country craving for chicken rice and laksa and char kway teow and roti prata and zhi char, missing those times where librarians tell us "please keep your volume down, you are still in a library" (no shit, sherlock) and hearing people pepper their speeches with lahs lors and lehs.

but still, i want to run free and see the world.

before that happens, i will remain unsophisticated and unworldly, but i will tell myself that that's okay.

2010-08-29T09:55:00.003+08:00

Dear Wei Lin,

what are you thinking?! do not pass go, do not collect $200, go straight to jail

AND STUDY.

state of mind:?????

fight the feeling

2010-08-21T10:38:00.002+08:00

talent time was awesome, am extremely impressed by everyone, cherie germ l2p chenxi infinity and ellipse. seriouslyyyy chenxi's voice just makes you melt! ! ! ! ! and now that song is stuck in my head forever.

thoughts and dots:

1. my constant need for independence yet clinginess is going to destroy me one day.

-thought of while on NR1 home, having missed the last train departing from marina bay. got on the bus, realized that the yog free transport does not work for NRs, had not enough $$ in my ez-link card and not enough coins. f.m.l. luckily the bus driver was kind and let me on anyway ): why did i not just beggg my dad to fetch me home, i don't know.

2. the littlest things can bring me up- and down again. my mood has been swinging so quickly these days that it scares me.

3. why are the nights so difficult to get through?

4. i said i will never go there again.

2010-08-15T12:35:00.003+08:00

this space is so dead, i don't even know who still comes here. my tagboard is equally dead and in dire need of resuscitation.

yay spelt resuscitation correctly !! !!

i hardly ever blog anymore because my thoughts jump straight into my journal or just linger in my brain space. and looking at a dead tagboard is Boring.

sundays are my favourite stay at home days, unlike saturdays. it is just sad to stay at home on saturdays, unfortunately i have a lot of stay at home on saturdays-days. another thing i like is to fall on beds/sofas, stretch and have a little scream. and i like to do that particularly on sundays. on sundays, i go around with teeny bleary eyes for the entire day, hungover from a non existent saturday night romp. another thing about sundays- i like to talk about them in a nonsensical WTF AM I DOING AWAKE way.

yawn. promos are in 3 weeks, as everyone keeps reminding me. but i want to have fun so badly and right now, studying and having a life seems to be mutually exclusive.

YOG needs to be over so that i can have access to Toa Payoh Swimming Complex. or meet rich kind benevolent souls who will offer to take me to their condo's swimming pools. it also needs to stop raining. while i need to be doing vectors and the rest of the $%^&*( elearning homework.

gloomy gloomy day.

till next time.

2010-08-07T11:47:00.001+08:00

pet peeve: rudeness

11.11 has failed me

2010-08-01T01:37:00.002+08:00

although it was never serious, it can still hurt. that much, i've learnt. but i will stay. the age old dilemma. indeed, thinking about it, i wonder why i open myself to all this shit, when it ends the same way everytime? boredom? misplaced attention? and here i am, offering advice. good and dependable, dial 1 for interpretations and 2 for ideas.

hope that paragraph was sufficiently confusing.

17 in 7

2010-07-20T22:40:00.003+08:00

seventeen in seven days, on the twenty seventh of the seventh month. now it sounds pretty cool when i put it like that, i didn't realise before!

ultimately, what i want for my 17th birthday is to be happy. make me happy, in whatever way possible, in any way possible and that will be the best possible present that anyone can ever give me. after all, there is need to get as much joy whenever one can, having to be in a stale and pressurising school environment with a stressful lifestyle for 2 years. while perhaps a certain degree of happiness can be gleaned from material things, i do not crave for anything in particular right now with regards to material goods, what i crave for is the feeling of happiness that was once so easily attainable.

2010-07-11T15:33:00.003+08:00

the weather is absolutely gorgeous right now- blue skies fluffy clouds & the works, tell me how is it possible to study when i'm just dying to be outside?!

beautiful weather like this just sends me skittering about, getting all jumpy and wanting to go to the pool, the beach, to picnics in parks and dance in the sunshine. how gay, considering how my dancing skillz or rather the lack thereof, can make eyes bleed. history shmistory, i bet those nationalist leaders wouldn't be planning rebellions in this weather.

it better be raining all the time next year when i take my A levels.

last paper last paper last paper last paper *chants*
study study study study study study ! ! ! ! ! !

2010-07-08T20:46:00.002+08:00

so. math is tomorrow and it's my SECOND last paper ( __ last for most) and i'm feeling absolutely stressed out. had dinner in the car, came home and dived straight for the rum raisin ice cream- minimum alchohol maximum cream. no one can say i didn't try because i really did, ploughing through math notes, struggling through question after question and cussing like a sailor- a hokkien sailor if that makes any much of a difference, because everything sounds more vulgar in hokkien. but fuck, i DO try every time, who is to say i haven't tried my best when i did? i'm feeling so drained now, i just can't wait till the whole thing's over.

crosses fingers, i hope my math goes well tomorrow.

shawty's like a melody in my head

2010-07-04T11:19:00.003+08:00

Dear New Puma Sneaks,

you make me happy when skies are grey :)

and this is what i should be doing now. off to go try.

this is what's left of us- like broken glass

2010-06-26T12:28:00.003+08:00

okay, am absolutely procrastinating. i really should be studying history, but instead i'm uploading photos onto facebook, making stupid captions, reading blogs and dreaming about hair.

THIS....

(via kimberlygrace.tumblr.com)

IS MY DREAM HAIR. NOT KIDDING. i love the pink and the purples and how it just screams My Little Pony. But blonde is extreme (the irony) and id love to have just the ends of my hair in those lollipop colours. of course, i cant imagine what those chemicals are going to do to the texture of my hair or who knows, maybe after everything id have nothing left but scalp. cursed thin weak hair. this mildly reminds me of my pink extensions, OH HOW IVE MISSED YOU.

who knows, maybe after As ;) or after this eoys. WHO KNOWS WHO KNOWS.

zz damn no mood to study.

l o v e's just another word i never learned to pronounce

2010-06-20T11:53:00.003+08:00

1. you seem happy now and who am i to take that from you, if things can be such a burden

2. its gone. how?

3. i bet you don't even come here anymore and sometimes, i still feel sad. because i thought it was special. but that's what everyone thinks isn't it? that it was special when perhaps it never was in the first place.

4. i wanna tell you something THIS BADLY but i can't.

5. 3 am, 4 am. you'd never be here so i guess being more explicit is fine. this feels familiar, familiar but a different. a little less eloquent but 10 times funnier. the vibes tell me yes no yes no (to the tune of STARSTRUKK) so i wouldn't really know, no? still, it freaks me out a bit because "habit forming goods have a low price elasticity" and how would i know whether 3 months from now, it wouldn't be the same sad story all over again?

6. sorry, i realise i'm a very _ _ _ _ (inserts shu yu) kind of person.

outraged, coz my brother beat my high score at iRoach >:

2010-06-17T19:51:00.003+08:00

Bridging Minds 2010 was so damn awesome and these memories, i will treasure forever :) i don't know how to begin to describe it, but i havent felt that happy for a very long time. too many crazy things we did, like racing down orchard road at 2 AM in the morning, chilling and having DQ on the Espirit steps, screaming while on the way back from getting starbucks in the early hours (yes we worked till really late and played till even later), singing on buses, taking retarded photos and vids on pikachiu's macbook and teasing everyone i.e. "just playing around".

way too awesome.

team sg: daniel deepika eewei moazzam weilin
team brunei: faiz fadhil sharon raihan yuri

and now i'm missing all of it and every single one of them. );

thnks fr th mmrs guys.

i've got to return to reality now, be boring weilin living my boring life i.e. study for the boring midyears, instead of being The Jap. frikkkking boring.

sigh.

on a mildly unrelated note, usually there would be a period of time of going kkkrazy and living inside my own bubble before the bubble bursts and i realise, once again, that It's Impossible. but i think this time, i'm going to go straight to the bubble bursting. because

I HAVENT STARTED STUDYING FOR THE MIDYEARS. KILL ME NAO.

2010-06-03T22:13:00.002+08:00

i need to breathe.

i've had enough of words, i want to walk in this empty space. in my next life, i want to be a boor and let words mean nothing to me except as strange scratchings arranged at random.

2 more days before i disappear, it will be different and it may be exciting but i will feel so very alone. these days, i feel as though i'm perpetually missing people and the way they make me feel.

it's too warm around here.

zz

2010-05-27T17:40:00.003+08:00

Thursday- the last day of term 2. to celebrate, i'm on my ass, alone at home, working on a history essay. after which, i have to finish a graphic organiser, which i am supposed to have filled up during class but i'd fallen asleep instead, again for history. i am sleepy, it is warm and my thirst seems to be unquenchable. maybe i am falling ill. yay, holidays.

life@sucks.com.

thoughts/dots

2010-05-24T21:24:00.003+08:00

dear life, i face an empty page because i know not what to say, nor how to say it. how can i lay bare what's within if nothing can describe it? no images and no words, not even shadows, just an abstract form of non-matter. there you go, words to describe nothingness. abstract form of non-matter.

with the end of all the horrid tests and graded essays, i've been stuffing myself with books. i didn't read books during the weeks of tests, not because it's time consuming. but it's so emotionally tiring to read books sometimes. like you empathise too much with the protaganist and i tend to feel really strongly what the books want me to feel. im terrified after reading The Sandman (k so it's not really a book with words), disenchanted after Catcher In The Rye, happy after chick lit (but a little jealous too) and view the world differently, like it contained some kind of mystical secrets, after Anthony Horowitz's series The Power of Five (my brother's). which is why it's easier to read time/the economist/newspapers sometimes, coz of the matter of fact presentation of it all. although they do emotionally blackmail you sometimes. which i absolutely hate. like speeches that are overtly emotional in public speaking competitions. they just make me wanna vomit. k am just rambling now.

exciting stuff. yum yum chick lit and children's adventure books are my weaknesses, i just gobble them up like fries with garlic chili and mayo.

am really just twiddling my thumbs and typing whatever i feel like here. organised posts are so not my thing. tables and files too.

o yea. please gtfo my tagboard bloody advertisers/spammers. go earn your 5c/tag somewhere else. >: am deleting them as soon i can remember my cbox password.

hohum.

hate how some things are just means to an end. am in this junior journalists club thingamajig and if you do well i.e. submit lots of articles, you might be able to get an internship in radio (!!!!!!!!) and if you know me, being in the media is all i wanna do. but it's like... meh. it pains me to have to write politically correct bullshit to promote "social cohesion" and "harmony". then because we're part of the "youth demographic", brownie points goes to them for "engaging the youth" and "instilling the right values" in the nation's "future leaders". oh my god do i hate that phrase. "future leaders". adults seem to have to drop that in every time they address us. them adults. them authoritarian figures.

i've been thinking about what i wanna do when i grow up lately. it kind of stinks not having concrete goals, but well. roughly roughly. as mentioned i wanna be in the media! be a journalist/foreign correspondent/radio dj/actress/news anchor/ director/producer/whatever. but after social etiquette class today (zzz), i've given thought to becoming an air stewardess! meet people, travel, smile lots, get kaching. not so bad, no? i want to see the world! plus my auntie, whom i looked up to a lot when i was young, was a glamorous air stewardess! she probably still is. i wouldn't know. but then again, my ultimate dream is to own a criminal ring, be the 大姐大 of a syndicate. SEX MONEY & POWERRRRRRRR. woohoo bringing feminism to a whole new level. must have sexy henchmen.

now i must really seem like a disturbed teenager. blame the sensationalisation of organised crime in today's world.

you know, i think i'm a very reciprocal kind of person. not even sure if reciprocal is the right word in the context. reciprocative? yes reciprocative. but mm. i'm wary. like, i don't dare to call someone my really^3 good friend, unless they feel the same way about me. you can call me selfish in that way, or just really insecure. coz i make it a point to give to others the same amount that they give me. giving more makes me feel vulnerable while giving less makes me feel bad.

yaa digggg me dawwwwg?

sometimes, the phoniness of it all is suffocating. so catcher in the rye, but so true. like facebook. it feels phony. am personally guilty of accepting people i dont know as friends coz im just like "omg. they wanna be friends with me!! how can i say no awwww". or like comments! interaction with people you barely know and its so awkward. like niceties overload. and the use of phrases that just play in my head with a cockney accent. makes me wanna laugh at the phoniness of it all.

wow this has been my longest post for the longest time. good for you if you've been with me all the way through. good bye world. "high class lunch" @ breeks tomorrow @ social etiquette class. o well. better than lessons.

*edit. have since deleted spam messages and reported them as spam. HOHO. gives me great pleasure in doing that. same as with msn. LOVE REPORTING ABUSE.

2010-05-19T20:25:00.002+08:00

Reasons Why I Love My Mom #112

She lets me do stupid things like shouting in the car. In my defense I was trying to determine if i used my diaphragm or my throat when i was shouting.

i.e.

wl: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM. CAN YOU HEAR ME?!?!?!
mom: NOOOOOOOOOO
wl: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM. CAN YOU HEAR ME?!?!?!?
mom: NOOOOOOOOOOO
wl: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM. can you hear me?!?!
mom: no.
wl: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM DO YOU THINK THE PEOPLE OUTSIDE CAN HEAR ME?!?!!?!
mom: NOOOOOOOOO
wl: ok

so i unwound the car window and went AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

if it were my dad i think he'd have whood me long ago.

well my throat hurts(ish) now so i guess we all know the answer

2010-05-19T16:42:00.000+08:00

Bridging Minds 2010, here I come :D

Wide Sargasso Sea

2010-05-15T22:47:00.003+08:00

instead of typing away at my lit essay/history essay/gpp, im here.

hmm.

lots of mixed feelings lately.

jc students need lots of

1. sleep
2. ice-cream (preferably haagen daz/island creamery)
3. love

let me sleep, feed me ice cream and love me, please.

i always like to think of words flowing from my fingertips, dark as ink and swirling over yellowed pages. or necklaces of macaroni alphabets dancing from my mouth and into ears. words just aren't flowing these days, perhaps because day by day, i find that i have less things to say to everyone. sometimes, i find it difficult to sustain a conversation because i feel plain. nothing new. no new thoughts, no new people, no new happenings. just routine. stereotypes. day after day. just plain. i feel my gut tighten and let out little squeaks of panic at my plainness. but i live. life's plain, but i exist, i try to live.

trying out for a couple of new things in june, hopefully i get into those things and maybe things will be okay again. or something else. maybe. then again, i feel that these things are just distractions, to distract me from the general horridness of it all. little sanity pockets. hmm what's that they say? someone once told me in jc, you've got to be happy about the little things. that's how you survive. little sanity pockets.

what to do now?

but dive into my Wide Sargasso Sea.

2010-05-11T20:39:00.002+08:00

RVELDDS PRESENTS "FIND ME"

O.M.G. EVERY LITTLE THING WAS WORTH IT FOR THESE 3 WORDS:

GOLD WITH HONOURS.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

to the bone

2010-04-27T21:13:00.002+08:00

am so absofuckinglutely exhausted right now, i just want to curl up in a dark cushy cave and sleep for a thousand years, hows that for a return to the womb. more than ever, i wish for us to do well (hopefully silver and above) because all that time and effort must mean something, right?

now now do excuse me for these few days if i appear to be particularly

1. unresponsive
2. sensitive
3. insecure
4. erratic
5. cranky

i will try not to "bawl and make crazy faces" at you, but i am Tired all the time and have too much work to do. this is why the statistics of JC students being clincally depressed/suicidal/crazy are so damn high. now now if you love me and want to make me feel better, you could buy me the amazing Rocher Rondnoir, the latest issue of Nylon and lots of time.

this is the story of a girl, who cried and drowned the whole world

2010-04-22T21:52:00.002+08:00

i'm not crazy, i'm just a little unwell. i know, right now you can't tell.

hello world, it's been long. the date of SYF looms nearer, there's cca nearly every day and when there isn't there's always tuition/homework/MPS/YOG/other abbrievs, yes i've been busy but its still nearly not numbing enough, though i'm tired all the time these days. by 9pm i'm usually feeling quite cui already, staring blearily at the bright screen trying to finish x essays and y essay plans. i miss doing nothing. doing nothing is not something that everyone enjoys, but i think it's tremendously soothing. needs more lounging by the pool glossy in hand days. and hardcore shopping days.

sigh.

ttfn

2010-04-10T23:12:00.002+08:00

for me, being happy can be that easy. so why don't you make me?

the internet, while vast and filled with interesting thingamajiggies, bores me. terribly.

not coming online for like 10 years.

we'd see.

maybe i'd be bulletproof

2010-04-09T23:24:00.002+08:00

Do you remember...

that i like to take hot showers or cold showers but not luke warm ones? that i like my mangos halved and eaten with a spoon instead of peeled and cubed? that i'm always thirsty after i bathe? that i prefer the sunset to sunrise? that i'm happier underwater? that i think of what ifs and could have beens all the time? that when i listen to sad songs you're on my mind? Do you remember? Do you know? Will you ever?

SIGH cca @ 8.30 AM tomorrow, activity of any sort should be banned in the mornings. especially on the weekends, they really should be start off with waking up naturally, reading the newspapers from cover to cover, lounging on the couch and eating an endless breakfast. in pyjamas. 2 days of no school is so not enough ):

hmm.

hmm.

hmm x 10.

OK NOTHING TO SAY.

GOOD BYE WORLD.

O AND.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHIRLEEN XIEEEEEE (IN APPROX 18 MINUTES)

pardon my weirdness

2010-04-06T21:36:00.003+08:00

i'm feeling particularly strange tonight. now what is this feeling that i cannot quite fathom? is it... happiness? not really. is it.... melancholy? definitely not.

IM SO SO SO SO SO SO DISTRACTED i cannot do anything related to math and history right now even though that is what i should be doing. i do not have the heart to "reorganise my life" either because papers are everywhere and filing is so so so tiring and boring.

instead, all that i feel like doing is PLAY BAND HERO !!!! !!! !!!! !!! that stupid game is crazy addictive, my cousin (who lives 4 floors below me) has it on the wii but of course it would be indecent to demand to play it at 9.38 pm on a school night. instead, i have found a mildly suitable substitute. that is: listening to bulletproof-la roux while playing crazy taxi on facebook or rolling on the floor. i have done both. they are really really really entertaining. thats why i cannot live in the hostel. theres nowhere that tolerates me doing weird things like home.

the highlight of my week has become MPS. because there is a very cute malay/indian dude there. WHY IS MY LIFE SO SAD. whines. groans. makes other intelligible sounds. but of course, if that doesn't work out, i completely wouldn't mind Morpheus (the lord of dreams from the comic series The Sandman). he is hot.

alrightey i shall appear online now

2010-04-02T22:56:00.001+08:00

10.56 PM, bored on a Friday Night.

man, i need a life.

2010-04-01T20:43:00.003+08:00

i have just switched the heater on and am now waiting for it to heat the water up before i go bathe. basically, i am doing anything to avoid doing the dreaded pi. thanks tofu for offering to read my pi, i may just take you up on your offer!!

lyrical prose just aren't quite flowing from my finger tips right now.

at a certain point, when you're sick of the evidence staring at you in the face, sick of all these doubts, sick of waiting for what you know wouldn't happen, you decide to stop. stop hoping. believing. dreaming. waiting. everything.

school is great {cough}, but oh- what i wouldn't give for a good distraction.

2010-03-31T22:50:00.002+08:00

Dear Preliminary Idea,

If you were a living thing, you wouldn't have been for very long. because i would have killed you.

many many many times over.

xoxo weilin

2010-03-27T01:11:00.000+08:00

in one sentence: i am sad and happy tonight.

3q5q

2010-03-25T20:23:00.004+08:00

3 quotes & 5 questions

"I think that this is why I relish writing for you so much. It makes it possible for me to be not like I am, but as I desire for Little Igor to see me. I can be funny, because I have time to meditate about how to be funny,and I can repair mistakes when I perform mistakes, and I can be melancholy in manners that are interesting, not only melancholy. With writing, we have second chances. You mentioned to me that first evening of the voyage that you thought you might have been born to be a writer. What a terrible thing, I think. But I must tell you, I do not think that you understood the meaning of what you said when you said that. You were making suggestions of how you like to write, and how it is an interesting thing for you to imagine worlds that are not exactly like this one, or worlds that are exactly like this one. It is true, that I am certain, that you will write very many more books than I will, but it is me, not you, who was born to be the writer."- Alex (Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer)

"The chat began with the stereotypical comment that all effective art had to be borne of catharsis, trauma, or at least some kind of class struggle in order to be meaningful. This led us to the immediate question of whether good art could also be borne of cheerful people."
...
"Indeed, normality- emotional or otherwise- might perhaps not even exist. Where does this conversation leave sadness within the ill-defined continuums of normality and abnormality, then? While no one ever looks for the undercurrents of why happy people are happy, the reverse is often true of sad people. Except that when demonstrated so, sadness is never allowed to exist on its own, least of all in a normative state." - Getting a high from feeling low by tan shzr ee (straits times march 25 1010)

1. functions of writing: writing as a chance to reinvent yourself, an outlet for you to escape the drudgery that is your life and be who you wish you were?
2. functions of writing: writing as a form of escape?
3. can you not have experienced something for yourself and yet be able to effectively portray it through art?
4. why is happiness considered to be the normal behaviour in society?
5. can people be naturally sad?

what do you miss about me

2010-03-23T22:03:00.002+08:00

meaningless blog post:

i had MPS yesterday and i reached home at nearly 11 pm. then i rushed out my cap portfolio till 2.30 am and woke up for school at 6 am.

PLEASE. LET. ME. GET. IN.

i have not started on history holiday homework, please tell me i'm not the only one
:( still damn tired despite my naps throughout the day, good bye history homework. hello bed.

Please Do Not Feed The Children

2010-03-21T00:11:00.004+08:00

when people are overwhelmingly focused, disciplined, positive and goody goody, im just like woah, scared threatened depressed all at the same time. there are blogs that are just vomitting sunshine kindness rainbows timetables struck out to do lists goals resolutions what i did todays and i do mean it in all seriousness that these people have ISSUES man. im no sarong party girl (in fact i'm not even a PARTY GIRL i am nothing) nor a hardcore slacker (wait but these are from secondary school, in jc everyone's just like o.O -crazed look in their eyes- "MUG MUG MUG") in fact i do believe that i'm as boring as normal and people who are as boring as normal shouldnt be so happy/focused!!!

but of course. im in jc now. everyone's Focused Like That so maybe i'm the one with the issues...? dear government HELP ME i think i wasn't brainwashed properly i don't hanker after the 5Cs i don't necessarily want to go to university then get a 9-5 job (oh what blasphemy!) i don't want to get 4As if it means selling my soul for the next 2 years. hell no time isn't going to "fly", 2 years is a bloody long time to be unhappy!!

and then at the end of the day, or at the end of this post, i'd tell myself

Weilin. You cannot afford to be fall behind in your school work! You need to buck up, inhales read history read gp understand math practice math read econs memorise econs read lit books research on lit books read the economist read time read newspapers AND THEN read outside of the textbooks because the teachers say it is important "a levels is not like o levels (what o levels?) you know!" exhales. There is no time to be disillusioned! No! Time! To! Play! Have! A! Life! Or! Even! Think! Just! Study! Study! Study! STUDY!

"find me."

2010-03-11T21:55:00.002+08:00

the only good thing about preparing for the big move is that i can throw stuff all over the floor and nobody cares.it is somewhat of a shock that through my short sixteen years of life, i have managed to accumulate so much crap. being sentimental is quite horrid, every dusty knick knack and hastily scrawled note suddenly becomes essential to the preservation of my identity.

hmm.

i have just unearthed a gigantic scrapbook which i bought back in primary school in an attempt to document my life. looking at these old pictures of my extended family kind of makes me want to cry.

i wish we'd lose tomorrow pleasseee ^ 1001

2010-03-06T00:01:00.003+08:00

if i post this post it would be my 444th & and im hoping that that the suayness of it all would equate to suayness in our favour = losing! sometimes it can be so sad to be a team that is so damn surprised at any achievement at all and after the ups and downs of all these years, just learn not to have any expectations. the thought of these little achievements, taken for granted by other schools but are such significant milestones to us, it's just kind of sad. oh well. but i really don't want to get into grands & get trashed (again) by people so not in our league. but i don't want to do too badly either, if you get what i mean. so darn tired now. watched the juniors v.s. evergreen sec today and they won! so proud of you guys (: queenie, JUST ONE MORE. heh. um. ok. i end here.

wordless wednesday

2010-03-03T19:00:00.002+08:00

sooner or later, i'm going to have to come to terms with living.

there are days when i practically run home and head straight for the ice cream. and there are days which are just kind of Wordless. Wordless Wednesday. it's like. okay. its wednesday. breathe. exist. wednesday ends. okay. now what. eat, do work, laugh, read, talk? everything just seems to be a distraction from The Ultimate Ending; ashes to ashes, dust to dust. this process is tedious and sometimes, the fast forward button taunts and tempts me. tell me, what's the point, really?

it's thursday tomorrow.

life, as it sucks now.

2010-03-02T22:26:00.002+08:00

10.33 pm and i haven't updated for a while,

this is what the emotional cavity of my brain looks like :

1. sometimes, it gets so hard to carry on. it scares me to think that this, this shit is the same shit that i'm going to have to go through every single school day for the next 2 years. i don't think i can endure many months more of this let alone 2 years. it's just kind of sad, to think that i'm 17 and right now, im just waiting for this to end and life to begin.

2. i miss the feeling of belonging. i miss 4i.

3.

(credits : eunice's tumblr)

4. this nothingness is what we have been reduced to. i'm sad. im scared. i don't know how to make things right again.

5. i wish that i had more talent. and more sleep.

fading into irrelevance

2010-02-23T22:44:00.003+08:00

thoughts:

1. are mrt trains hard to drive? do you have to steer? press buttons to go left and right? today i took the MRT train from Hell, the train ride was so damn bumpy that i felt super nauseous. not to mention that i thought the train was going to derail/explode/get hijacked by terrorists and if it does, i didn't want to be on it. nausea + paranoia (rhymes) made me alight to wait for the next one.

2. CHAMPS/assembly should be converted to naptime. because we all know that what teenagers need and lack the most is sleep. and not yet another lesson on self esteem/responsibility/the meaning of the school motto.

3. smu INTER-TERTIARY debates competition on friday = some major ass whipping ego bashing time. thats our asses getting whipped and egos getting bashed tyvm, not the other way round. queenie and my contingency plan: if all fails and we get some !@#$%^&*-ing good opponent, show queenie's ez-link card SHE'S NOT IN JC SHE'S ONLY SEC 4 and get disqualified.

EDIT
4. the feeling of inferiority is horrible.

math

2010-02-21T13:21:00.003+08:00

math is frustration spelt with an M. i think everyone must be so sick of hearing me complain about math by now. but. whatever.

such is the process of doing math.

1. work on one question for >20 minutes, constantly flipping through notes
2. finding out my answer is wrong or getting a too strange to be true value
3. FRUSTRATION!!!! = >5 minutes lying on the floor listening to my ipod and playing with dogs
4. next 15 minutes is spent walking around the house, surfing the net, drinking water and looking out the window
5. returns to question.
6. still can't figure out what's wrong
7. rinse and repeat

so funny, weisin and i are heading over to mr tan's tuition centre for math tuition later. so good to see a math teacher i can actually understand and his funny whiskers again. for now, giving up is calling my name.

perspectives.

2010-02-18T20:54:00.003+08:00

daddy has just brought ice cream home, how timely.

i've spent 16 years 6 months 22 days x hours y minutes z seconds worrying about making mistakes, trying to do the right thing, righting my wrongs, obsessing over what others think of me, being afraid of stares, hating the feeling of being ignored, trying to keep a balance, to keep the peace. i wish that i didn't care so damn much. i wish that i didn't feel so much. sometimes i wish that i have it in me to be as selfish as i want to, to just do my thing and everyone else has to deal with it, instead of always having to deal.

"I felt that night, on that stage, under that skull, incredibly close to everything in the universe, but also extremely alone. I wondered, for the first time in my life, if life was worth all the work it took to live. What exactly made it worth it? What's so horrible about being dead forever, and not feeling anything, and not even dreaming? What's so great about feeling and dreaming?"
-Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer

dear myself. things. they dont usually go your way. when you try it doesn't mean that you'd succeed. when you offer a hand it doesn't mean that it would be taken. what you understand may not be understood by all.

happiness comes in waves and ebbs. like finding out that the hostel mini-mart sells coke and pokka milk tea. sadness hangs like a rock around your neck. or clings like gladwrap. translucent coat of darkness and foreboding that settles upon your entirety, moulding itself to the vulnerable joint of your arm. curve of your neck. ridges of your ears. your eyes, tinting day night things people words grey.

unfortunately, i'm still here.

and yes it is. but that. it's all that i have.